Oluwadamilola Alabi – International Legacy : Nigeria

Legaçy Life

Society in any child’s life can shape so much about a child. And this is also true for me in a different way though. I didn’t grow up meeting to societies demands of who I should be. But grow being oppressed by the society that was all around me.. Being made to feel alone, an outlaw, a weirdo, called all sorts.. Constantly misgended, lead me to run 🏃💨 into more isolation. Isolation was my comfort zone as I don’t get misgended there it’s just me, myself and I. But the beginning of my isolation was also the beginning of my doom. Started as I became a teenager🔞🧒 . But let’s start with the very beginning; my childhood years. My still best memories as I recollect. 

I am from a family👪 of 3-kids, as me the second born, with an elder sister and a baby👶 bro.. 

Yeap, I am one of those kids; that as early as 4years old? said I wanted to be a 👦boy and everyone laughed about it and ignored it. As an African Child you really don’t have rights, and far from it a say to question the elderly. 

As kids, I was close to my baby brother and hardly close to my sister. I would always feel responsible for my baby brother as a child… Though I didn’t know how I was going to do it? but I set my heart to protect him. Funny, as even I needed to be protected🛡️. my parents often no where to be found, as both working parents their presence hardly felt. I saw little of my mom and extremely little of my Dad, but different female house helps/maids of different shapes.. So naturally I didn’t have any male figure to look up to. And my sister wanted a sis 👭, I didn’t understand my self to be one to her at the moment so I couldn’t do much, than keep the distance of (am not your sister) which looking back now? she never still understood. 

I was closer to my brother, he needed someone there for him. And I promised myself to always try and be the one there. I didn’t have anyone and I didn’t want him to feel what it’s like, not to have anyone also.. Though there where times, I had to push him away just to have my own space. cause times when everything just felt too much for me to handle anymore. So sadly I’d push him away… 

But for two✌ reasons I didn’t want him to be a shadow of myself. cause I felt I wasn’t good for him, more often than none I felt I wasn’t good for anyone.. This affected my self esteem in all sense, affected me academically as well, with shattered self esteem and not being able to read📖 I always had my head down to the ground. then the struggling in school🎒📚 as I liked girls I couldn’t talk to. And just like boys my age I couldn’t talk to girls.. But very comfortable with boys. 

As a child growing up been seen as a little boy👦 was cool and fun…  I got lost and wondered off 🤔💭 in the open with no cares. Carefree being seen as a little boy👦 by the world… Made friends 👬 my age played soccerづ(っ’-‘)╮=͟͟͞͞⚽🥅 with friends, video games🎮. But little did I know it’s all gonna disappear once I entered into teenagehood. 

Pardon me: to cut through my story, but I am probably proofreading this countless times, trying to get understood as much as I can… 

Not everyone is fluent in English or familiar with my manner of communication. As in the time pass? I have been told am saying nonsense.. As the reader could care less about my African background, or interested to understand what I was saying.. But I have grown to be better at expressing myself to the best of my abilities, I seek to improve daily.. 

But just cause I really pushed hard to it? DOESN’T mean every other local AFRICAN carries the same idea.. It’s cause am universal in nature not bond to a people, tribe or race. Raised this cause I know another trans NIGERIAN who’s from the east side of Nigeria but struggles to express their views. 

So back to my story:

Even though I got beaten at 🏠 home so much for not behaving female♀️ there was hardly any of my parent at home as a child.. Mom went to work Dad lost in his work fighting for union. 

But then those in charge of us would always beat me to following the rules, but gave up on me at the end.. My mom when around would beat the day lights off me, I really couldn’t care less, I started to feed of being beaten. I remember she cleaning my wounds and I’m asking her why are you cleaning my wounds; you are still going to beat me again anyway,  and she was surprised (◉0◉)ᵎᵎᵎ I could say that. But being from a Christian✝ background with the strong believe of spare the rod and spoil the child.. It didn’t change much confronting her: asking why is she cleaning my wounds when she would beat me up again. Cause she believes she’s doing the right thing beating me. Well it is called good home training.. If you weren’t beating as a child there’s this believe that you weren’t trained well. But cause I still did as I pleased, despite being beaten so much? Some people still consider I wasn’t beaten up (*@_*#) enough💯 as a child still. 

Growing into teenagehood was the beginning of my Doom.. I lost my friends (male friends: I only had male friends) as they started to reject me: saying am not one of them. to them I stopped being one of them anymore; saying that I am a girl and they don’t play with girls.. getting rejected and told am female made me separate from the crowd to where I was always by myself alone😔. I started to self isolate, and the more I got misgended the more I self isolated😔. All trying to run🏃💨 away from it. 

This was another doom I was drawing strongly into, as the more I got comfortable with being a lone? the little connections I created…  And the older I got, the more isolated I had grown, even more comfortable in it to the point I didn’t know how to function in public anymore. I had grow the strong bad habits that comes with self isolating, which includes talking to myself out loud, no manners,  picking my face constantly etc….  Growing up to form a strong habit of pushing everyone out before they push me away.. Like a defence mechanism of some sort for me..  If I had only known I was jumping from frying pan to 🔥fire. Like if someone out there had told me as an adult🔞 you need to have a created network📡 of people to work for you, unless you struggle getting a job, rendering service or product as the case may be. 

Am a software Engineer and skilled in various fields, such as plumping, electrical, mechanical, carpentry, photovoltaic… But its dysphoria holding me back, and not being male enough to be employeable to the NIGERIA labor force. If given the opportunity? i wish to help another trans guy get top surgery once i can start working, I am not a lazy type at all.  But being isolated most of my life 😫 got me no where as an adult. I tried having more skills as possible to become relevant to the society but not having any social foundation growing up? made it even more difficult to form a working network for any kind, for business development.. 

Even though I do 🧱bricklayer work at home🏠  carpentry works, plumbing, mechanic, literally just anything male, I still got seen female to my folks… But it’s impossible not to ever call me he/him living with me… 

They beat the Hell out 👊💥 me as I was seen as extremely stubborn growing up, and I got beaten really hard, just to keep living male regardless of my contradictions. Because you would never see me in the kitchen, or doing anything female?  I did all the male chores around the house. Trying really hard to pass the messages that I don’t want to be treated female and I hate anything female in association to me.

 I have always lived as male♂️ Regardless of how not understood I was growing up… I believe a child is only seen as stubborn when they are not understood..  And most parents don’t even have the time to be in a child’s life, let alone take the energy to really understand the child… Because if only my parents never attached anything female to chores: like if they never went on saying girls should do this and do that? They could get me to do any work around the house.. BUT as sexist as my biological parents… They must say girls are to do this, do that, as a girl you must know how to do this, do that.. Words that got me sick to my throat of hearing.. So I started to switch off. When they start talking? I just switch off. Am there but not listing to a word they said… But by this? I miss out on instructions that often got me into more trouble… And this was pretty much my cycle as a child. As a teenager I had Mastered the art of turning a deaf 👂🚫 ear to anything that irritated me so much…   

They would refuse to buy me anything male clothings, feeling they would never encourage my male lifestyle or never encourage me living male, you can say. So I wore my old man’s rags, patching with needle and tread most of it, they would still go out and burn 🔥 my clothes trying to break me into wearing whatever ┐( ̄ー ̄)┌ they kept on buying.. But I wouldn’t wear any of it. So soon they stopped buying anything for me. I struggled so much to buy my own clothes though they kept burning them to discourage me, feeling the phase would gradually pass… But the more I looked like a child on the street with no parents..  I grew to care less of how I appeared as anyone would naturally look down on me, having the worst of self esteem. Even my biological sister was ashamed being seen associated with me.. So I also grew distant from people feeling I was saving them the embarrassment of being seen associated with me in any way.. I still often feel like am doing others a favor not being part of their lives when I push them away. 

All I ever wanted as a child was to be seen rightly, feel rightly and grow like any boy my age… BUT never got quarter of what I wanted… 

I have been applying for top surgery grants for several years, and no results. I have always wanted to be stealth as a child, just I didn’t know what it was called.. So on social media; Facebook to be precise, I moved more around people of my kind.. Stealth trans guys.. 

And this is because I am one to go public seeking attention 📣😮💭 I never really gotten financial support or assistance of any sort. And with the stigma of NIGERIAN’s being scams I didn’t have it in me to beg around.. Struggled most to gain trust and be taken as family by others.. 

Even, and almost every month in a year? I still kept seeking grants for top surgery as am extremely dysphoric.. Some nights I can’t sleep because my chest literally chokes me.. I struggle to sleep most nights… And hate my chest touching my body.. It just never registered as part of me till date.. Am almost 30 in a few years.. And the more I have grow? The less Tolerant of my chest I am, it’s a big size D and makes me wanna have the top surgery myself..  The older I get the less I can stand it. The only hope of being alive till now is? I can one day get to know what it’s like to be free of this shit on my chest.  

My major problem is it touching me, and me being able to feel it at all, as I have to bath. BUT if am not bathing I tight it up the whole time, so that it doesn’t get to touch me, even if that’s life threatening as it. I learnt all about top surgery to be able to do it myself.. But a lot of medical tools I need, and a clear room I don’t have access to. So I keep living in torture of something that should be logically part of my body, but never registered as. 

Me, growing up in the hearts of Lagos Nigeria. Coming from a religious background, My parent pastors for Redeem Church in Nigeria.  I have to be really stubborn to have my way at all.. This means beaten specially by my biological parents…meaning I was beaten so much to the point where they started hurting themselves when they beat me..  I was way pass 18 and still gotten beaten. But by this time 🕒❓ I had already grown to feed off pain (>_<) 

I recall as a child i had a diary, i would write in… But little did i know my old man and sister would read my diary as entertainment.. There i wrote out my feels.. Always  emphasising on how am not a lesbian am trans..  the day i was caught with an implicating text message? I was forced to go for deliverance for a year or go to jail for 14y..  I cried that day for 😢 not being understood 🚫, for being seen as wrong. 

People tell me 🗣 God hates me. But as I grew a personal relationship with God, and found that was just people’s choice to believe what is strange is an abomination. And they were all religious beliefs and nothing to do with God. 

I stopped seeing myself as a sin. I started listening to only What God has for me and not others..  And as I grew, I learnt God doesn’t need to force anyone using fear of Hell to want HIM, and I wasn’t a sin loving women, I just functioned male because at conception? I was placed into my mother’s womb by God as MALE and never an intend of God in creating me female, just evil manipulation to bring shame to my destiny. God started to shape my character and easy my burden. the more I seeked for His counsel? The more He taught me; He is very interested in the way I feel and that Before placed into my mother’s womb? He has known me, and He has seen all that is to befall me. And I don’t have to be alone in all of it. I learnt to Obey God cause I Trust HIS intentions towards me 😇🙏👼 were purely Good and not of evil.  That the challenges in life shapes our character.. So literally am a result of shaped in character by lessons lived… 

As there are lessons in life only taught when lived. As human beings don’t care about anything that doesn’t affect them. And there are certain lessons in life that can only be lived to be learnt. Cause no matter how much explained can never be understood.. 

I learnt what submission means, as you’re in total trust to whom you are submitting to. With God? I only obey God cause I trust in HIM. 

My personal relationship grows dynamically every day, daily I see how God Shaps more of me. 

Some people feel God installs fear in us, to make us obey Him and that’s a big lie🤥 !!!!!!!!   The God I know would never want any of your actions to be as a result of fear😨… 

Like you see a lot feeling God is usually Hell to blackmail them into loving Him, but God never has such intentions… As in it’s an insult to God that anyone could think HiM (a whole God) needs to force them through fear😨 to want Him.. 

As a teenager God taught me: That you can never force someone else to love/like you, and that even if you do? deep down your not gonna be happy😞😢 cause you want to be desired willingly and not forced… 

So how can a whole God not want to be desired willingly? 

 Let me share with you how GOD taught me that: what transpired that I learnt this.. 

 In my teenager years, I loved a girl so much… It was an extreme obsession… 

I wanted her at all cost even if just a short period of time… 

I had different nasty thoughts🤔💭, To brainwash her, To force her by blackmailing Etc.. You can’t even imagine to what extent… 

But every time I would think about all that? He would speak to me and ask in a gentle tone… 

“And what happens after that? ”  would you be happy to see👀 she’s unhappy😞… Would you be happy to see her hate you   

Would you feel better to know she’s not of her own will with you? 

And when I answered each time⌚? I didn’t like the aftermath of any of my actions… 

This conversation💭💬🗯 played on for years. before I got to let go of something you love❤ just to make them happy😊… 

So now I can really love someone but let them go knowing it’s not up to me alone😔

I learnt to love without expecting. I have grown a lot and more mature than I thought. With the help of God? I am daily growing in the best version of me. I have dreams to create, invent, be part of some amazing creation. 

That’s the whole mentality I have.. And there’s nothing like having loyal and trustworthy people with you.. But when everyone is struggling to compete how can anyone achieve that… 

We need to kill 🔪the 💡 idea that we can make it alone..  Everyone successful 🏆💪 needed a network 📡of people cause no man’s an island  and character is everything,